(no subject)

[allthelifethereis]

In the aftermath, Bill finds it difficult to settle. The other Losers had warned him that weird shit happened all the time in Darrow, just like in Derry, and he'd believed them, but it was a complete different thing to see it for himself. He checks in on all of them and then he finds himself down at the boardwalk, wrapped in coat and scarf, glasses on so that he can read, a coffee at his elbow. He sits, staring at the sea, just trying to find a calm place inside himself.

Trying to settle.

Comments

[myfavoritedream]

"Hey," I said, dropping down into the empty chair at his table. Uninvited, and by the blank look on his face, maybe unwelcome.

It was a strange day. I'd spent the morning with Marcus and Dan, but by the time the afternoon rolled around, I'd needed air. My feet brought me to the boardwalk, and I'd taken the seat at his side without much thought.

"Still alive, huh?"

My leather coat wasn't quite warm enough, and I sat hunched on the cold, iron cafe chair, my bare hands shoved into my pockets.

[allthelifethereis]

"Yeah," says Bill. "Just about."

He studies Neil for a moment, how pale he looks, how chilled. After a moment, he nudges his coffee across the table. He's only had it for a few minutes, so it's still piping hot. "What about you? How bad was it?" He pauses. He's seen Neil since the night that they hooked up, but he's still been figuring out how exactly to be. "I sent you a message..."

[myfavoritedream]

"My phone got smashed," I said, pulling it out of my pocket and dropping it onto the table. The screen was shattered, and while it would turn on, I couldn't actually open anything.

"I don't know. I think I might've killed a guy," I admitted, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. He nudged his coffee towards me and I huffed out a laugh, taking it with a grateful smirk.

[allthelifethereis]

"Shit," says Bill softly, reaching out to brush his fingertips against the shattered screen. He watches as Neil picks up the coffee and, when he catches the waitress' eye, he gestures for another.

"That... Yeah. That feeling doesn't really go away does it?"

[myfavoritedream]

"That feeling of killing a guy?" I said, snorting a laugh. "You speaking from personal experience? You don't seem like the type."

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my cigarettes and lighter, dropping them onto the table.

[allthelifethereis]

"Remember that story I didn't want to tell you yet?" He says, reaching for Neil's cigarettes with a questioning look. "One day I'm going to tell you that story and we'll see what type of guy you think I am."

[myfavoritedream]

I gave him a slight nod, slouching down with my hands wrapped around the warmth of the coffee cup.

"I know what kind of guy you are," I said, even if it was only a half truth.

"I don't feel fucking bad about it. He was trying to fucking kill me. If not me, it would've been somebody else." I shrugged.

[allthelifethereis]

Bill takes one of Neil's cigarettes and slips it between his lips, bending his head as he lights it.

"Well, I'm glad you made it out in one piece, anyway," he says. Neil is the closest thing that he's made to a new friend since arriving in Darrow and that feels valuable. "It's good to see you."

[myfavoritedream]

"Yeah," I murmured, catching his eyes and offering him a faint smile. It was good to see him, too.

"It's not even that guy. Fuck him, it's just. Honestly, it's so fucking complicated, I wouldn't even know where to start."

[allthelifethereis]

"Well," says Bill, pausing to take a drag on the cigarette, holding it for a moment and then tilting his head back and letting it out, exhaling violet smoke up towards the sky. "I've got nowhere to be but here. So you can tell me...or not tell me. It's up to you. But I'll listen, if you want."

[myfavoritedream]

"Is that how it works? I fuck you blind, and then you get to listen to my bullshit?" I asked, tapping out a cigarette of my own and flashing him a grin around the filter.

"Maybe I don't wanna ruin the mystery."

[allthelifethereis]

Bill snorts at that, ducking his head, a flush of colour spilling across his cheeks. He looks up, raising one eyebrow, attempting to compose himself. It sort of works.

"Mystery is overrated," he says. "But, you know. Whatever." The waitress delivers his new coffee and he flashes her a smile of thanks. "Why do you think I'm wearing my glasses today?"

[myfavoritedream]

Lighting the cigarette, I propped my elbow on the table, looking at him with a lazy grin.

"You do look pretty fucking cute," I admitted, voice tight around a lungful of smoke.

[allthelifethereis]

"Well, thank you," says Bill, and he does look pleased with the compliment, his cheeks still flushed. He reaches for his coffee, blowing across the surface before he takes a sip. "I'm...is it weird if I admit that I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to ask here?"

[myfavoritedream]

"Ask what?" I said, brow arched and playfully oblivious. My foot knocked against his under the table, blunt nail tapping against the ceramic of my cup.

"I'm, uh. I mean, no offense, but I might ask for a raincheck."

[allthelifethereis]

Bill laughs at that, a soft huff of sound against the rim of his cup. He nudges Neil's foot back with his.

"I misspoke. Act. I've never...You're going to fucking laugh, but I've never really done this before."

[myfavoritedream]

"Oh," I said, with a wince, huffing out a laugh as I rubbed tiredly at my brow.

"Done what before? You've never fucked around with a friend?"

[allthelifethereis]

Bill shakes his head, shifting his hips a little in his chair, getting more comfortable.

"One night stands in college, but I met my wife in my late twenties. Got engaged. Got married."

He shrugs.

[myfavoritedream]

"I figured you were married," I admitted, propping my chin back on the heel of my hand, cigarette smoldering between my fingers.

"Are you still?"

[allthelifethereis]

"Technically," he says, tilting his head. "Things...weren't going great, actually. We were both being assholes." His face quirks into something that's both a frown and a smile. "Does that make a difference?"

[myfavoritedream]

"Not really," I admitted, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. "Does that make a difference?"

I'd fucked a lot of married men, many of them who went right back to fake, unhappy marriages, pretending to be great husbands and fathers when they couldn't fucking stand to touch their poor, pathetic, oblivious wives. Men who had good marriages didn't tend to pick up underage rentboys from playgrounds.

The difference now was that I wasn't a kid anymore. Plus, I'd never cared enough to ask any of the men I'd fucked back then about their stupid, boring lives. Everything I'd learned about them, they'd offered up themselves.

[allthelifethereis]

"To me?" Bill shakes his head. "Assuming I get to call you on that raincheck sometime."

[myfavoritedream]

"Does is matter that I'm willing to fuck a married guy?" I clarified, even though he'd already pretty much answered the question.

"Yeah. You will. It's just... At the risk of ruining the fucking mystery, this guy I knew. This guy I used to fuck around with on the regular. He, uh. He got his dumb ass killed, a few years back. On Halloween. I found him the next morning. And then his ghost was..." I gestured vaguely towards the west side of town. "So, it's just."

I shrugged.

[allthelifethereis]

"Yeah," he says, nodding. "That's...a lot." He winces in sympathy, remembering how it had felt to face off against Georgie, against himself, the click of the bolt gun misfiring.

"I could cook you dinner?" Clearly it doesn't make a difference to Bill who Neil chooses to fuck.

[myfavoritedream]

"Yeah, no shit," I said with a cough of laughter, taking a drag from my cigarette and leaning back in my seat.

At his offer, I smiled crookedly, tentative and a little disbelieving. "You want to cook me dinner?"